I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
