This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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