You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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