Can Purell be used as lube?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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