fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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