There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
