When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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