Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
