i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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