do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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