So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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