I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize