I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
