Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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