if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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