K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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