I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
