I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
