I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
