He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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