So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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