I wish my penis had an off switch
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wanna passion pit in your ass
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
