I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
