Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Panties = found
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
