And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
