I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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