Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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