ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
