I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
