My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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