Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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