I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
