Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
