I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
