Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
