So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
