Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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