I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
