I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
