i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
