I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
