Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize