you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
