Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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