Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
