I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
