One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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