I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize