I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
