remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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