my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
