Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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