Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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