you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
