is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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