And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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