Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
