I wish my penis had an off switch
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
