You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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