The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
