So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize