3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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