Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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