did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
