Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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