Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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