He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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